just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
