I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
