Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
