Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
