I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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