If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize