the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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