I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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