So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
