A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize