I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize