why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
