just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
