A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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