No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
