the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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