when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
