i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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