I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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