So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
