I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
