I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
