I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
