my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize