I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
