I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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