if i can run in heels then i can drive
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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