K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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