i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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