The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
