So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
