I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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