I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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