I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
