is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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