Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
