She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
