Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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