I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize