go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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