I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
