She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
