don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
