Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
