My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
