I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well I just put wine in my tea
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
