at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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