i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
