Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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