im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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