they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
