i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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