We need to rekindle our bromance
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize