Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
