Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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