I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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