Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
