When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
