This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
