Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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