ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
