Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the raccoons are back...
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